You know that infamous saying… what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? Well they definitely don’t warn you that your own flaws can cause you to go through struggles and obstacles that you would never dream were possible.
Being an ENTREPRENEUR has truly been an intense roller coaster from epic rockstar-level highs to the gut-wrenching & heartbreaking lows. STOP I see you over there thinking “oh god another rise of the phoenix story” but don’t you worry this isn’t going to be one of those!
Instead I want to focus on the thing that everyone fails to admit…when you hit rock bottom you don’t find a way out until you realize that you haven’t been the best version of yourself — in fact you might even be a bad person — and it’s time to choose to be a better person.
In fact you might even be a bad person — and it’s time to choose to be a better person.
So, here I am writing this so I can share a roadmap on how to push forward and a brief glimpse into my story.
Three years ago I lost my entire Net Worth, acknowledged my debt (which was in the 7 figures — YIKES), put on 80lbs, developed Alopecia barbae from stress, had my heart broken, and finished my transition into a complete shell of a man. Soooo pretty much the most emotional, physical, and spiritual draining transitions in my life. Fast forward to today where I have successfully positioned myself to be financially free of liabilities and debts (by the end of the year), am in the best shape of my life, and most importantly I evolved into a good human being…becoming stronger.
Most of my friends — well lets make sure its clear that I’m referring to my “real friends” aka the ones who stuck around — have pulled me aside and asked me ‘how did you pull through such a crazy roller coaster’ and I’ve always had the same answer… quitting was never even an option for me.
I survived depression and instability because at my core I knew I was capable of being extraordinary — I just lost my way. I still have air in my lungs and miles left to walk… so the only thing that would stop me from making it back, is me.
“It’s safe to say that growth is an uncomfortable process and pain is a necessary investment for progress” — D Smoke [Rhythm & Flow, Netflix]
Believing your extraordinary is actually more of a starting point… I needed a real roadmap. So here is what I literally used as a roadmap to pull through:
- Straight up decided to stop being a terrible member of my family. I stopped being self-absorbed and focusing entirely on stopping the concept that “its okay to be a victim in my circumstance.” I visited every member of my immediate family, and listen I’m Indian so that includes everyone all the way out to my 2nd and 3rd cousins. I created genuine bonds with everyone and I made sure I was sincere in continuing a relationship.
- I create a budget based on my new income structure and restructured my entire life to make sure that I followed the rule of thirds… 1/3 of my income to high interest debt no matter what, 1/3 to the debt that would help me to start getting over my guilt (parents/friends/ex-girlfriend), and 1/3 towards my cost of living… AND THEN I FOLLOWED MY BUDGET.
- Started making to-do lists again of everything I have to and wanted to do and I created a reward system for myself. If I went to the gym I was allowed to watch 15 minutes of Netflix. If I accomplished all of my immediate tasks for my employer/client for that day I allowed myself to spend a full hour catching up with friends/family on the phone (if you don’t think thats an amazing reward then you’re not a good human being).
After a year of insane discipline and some good luck… My debt was down to 6 figures, my friends and family circles were becoming stronger then ever, I learned new skills like photography/videography, I even created a budget to go on a few vacations, and most importantly I was finally able to sleep again… but the hardest part was yet to come.
In 2019… I started a video blog, recorded over 20 episodes in the past year and only launched one episode… I was foolish enough to blame my perfectionism as the primary reason that was holding me back, but after a lot self-reflection I realized that I wasn’t able to accept that good things were happening for me again.
It’s actually the final obstacle that I had to get over… “Choosing that I’m worthy of good things again.” I’ve lived with this guilt of knowing that I disappointed so many people, that I took actions that in-the-end caused financial hardship for a lot of people around me, that I was a bad person.
I struggled with this last hurdle for over a year… I have to learn to forgive myself and accept that even if I wasn’t what I call “a good person” eventually I have to allow myself to let go of the past. I made soo many mistakes, but I am doing the best I can everyday to be the best version of me and sometimes I still have bad days. So listen, I know I’m allowed to slip up every now and then because I’m not perfect, but am I worthy of having good things happen?
Honestly, I don’t know.
But I know this — I won’t repeat my mistakes and I won’t let myself down ever again. I will be the best version of myself and one day I hope I find a way to completely release this weight on my shoulders… but until then I have one thing to get off my chest:
Let’s consider this as is my public apology for anyone who has seen me at what we can call “not my best” and a personal plea to give me another chance to show you the version of me that you always knew I could be. I’m not perfect, but I’m stronger now… and I have zero intention of ever letting myself down again.
If anyone out there is going through a hard-time and needs someone to talk to… I’m available for you! I hope no one has to go through what I had to go through, but if by sharing my story and my solution I am able to help anyone else — then I’ll find the strength to keep writing!
